


March

by Str4y



Series: Home [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Drug Use, Emotional Manipulation, M/M, Oral Sex, References to Depression, Smoking, Smut, Some Plot, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers, i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-12-29 21:15:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18302078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Str4y/pseuds/Str4y
Summary: Hyunjin met Chan on March twenty-fifth.  Hyunjin wanted to die. Maybe Chan did too? They were perfect for each other.





	March

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve been staring at this fic for weeks so here. Take it. ✨
> 
> Trigger warning  
> \- heavy mentions of suicide/depression/self harm  
> \- emotional manipulation  
> Don’t read it those things are triggering to you please.

March 25th wasn’t special at all. It was a normal day just like any other. There was literally no reason this particular day was special. No. It wasn’t special until this select year. Until he met him. Yeah, March 25th wasn’t just a regular day. It was the day that changed his life. 

“Hyunjin, are you listening?” 

He wasn’t, not really. All day Hyunjin hadn't been there—not really, at least. The thoughts spinning around in his head kept him from processing what was happening around him. It wasn’t his fault. He had his own demise on the mind, and that definitely made it hard to focus on anything the boy besides him was saying. 

“Fuck, Hyunjin seriously?” The tone in the other males voice just bored Hyunjin, sinking him further into the dark thoughts that had clouded his mind. Hyunjin was in his own personal milky-way, seperate from the world he should have cared more about. “You know what, I’ll see you later. Thanks for taking the time out of your busy schedule to hear about the worst day of my life.” 

Boo hoo. 

Hyunjin knew well that Felix had a million other problems than the girl in his math class rejecting him in dining hall. It wasn’t like she was good enough for him. Felix would get over her just as he’d gotten over the girl from camp last summer. Felix always got over it. Besides, Hyunjins brain wasn’t able to wrap around anyone else’s problems when it was drilling into him to end it today. 

March 25th. It was a normal day. The weather was so-so, leaning more towards summer than spring. But that was fine, Hyunjin liked the summer. Hyunjin leaned back, gnawing at the silver ring wrapped around his lip. March 25th was a good day to die, he thought. Trees blooming, birds chirping and the sun so bright and cascading its rays over his face. It was even a perfect setting. Now that Felix has left there was opportunity. 

Hyunjin hadn't really thought it all through. Nor did he understand why he was so fixated on dying. He just knew he had to do it. Was it dark and misguided? Definitely. Was it wrong? Ask Hyunjin another time. Right now, it was right. He took a deep breath, rummaging through his bag. He hadn’t even brought anything to do it. Now just felt like a good time. 

Ah. 

Hyunjin pulled out his little pill bottle of aspirin. That would work, right? He flipped the bottle, scanning the warning label. Liver failure? That all sounded fine to Hyunjin. He wasn’t concerned over a little suffering. It was a nice day, then it wasn’t. Five pills. Hyunjin mentally smashed his face against a bed of nails. He only had five. The exceeding in 24 hours was 6. Hyunjin was definitely an idiot. The pills weren’t even the extra strength. 

“Of course.” Hyunjin flew back into the grass, exhaling heavily as his eyes shut tight against the suns wrath. Of course, the earth wasn’t agreeing with him. He’d have to wait till he went back to his apartment. But then he’d have to explain to Jisung why he needed him to leave. And fuck, Jisung never left. Today was an instant failure. Much like Monday. And Wednesday. And even last month. Hyunjin couldn’t really remember the last day where he didn’t want to kill himself. For some awful reason he’d been stopped each time. 

“Of course what?”

Hyunjin wasn’t listening. He had his hands propped over his stomach, teeth still grazing against the silver at his lip. Why couldn’t he die? Why was the world so against him doing it when he felt like it? Everytime Hyunjin had the means to actually die he’d chicken out. The world was such a dick. Even the light was fading. The beautiful, warm sun was fading and it pissed him off. Hyunjin growled, eyes flying opened to see just how much time must have passed since Felix ran off. Not much at all. 

“Hi there, talking to yourself in the quad again?” 

Again? Did he do that a lot? That was awfully embarrassing. Hyunjin blinked, the man standing in front of him illuminated beautifully by the sunlight he was rudely blocking. What was he supposed to say? Hyunjin wasn’t sure. He sat himself upright, fixing the beanie over his head as he shoved the pills he’d tightened in his grasp back into his bag. 

“Sorry if I bothered you. I just noticed that your friend seemed really upset and you were just—sitting here all blank and stuff.” 

Hyunjin wasn’t sure who this random man thought he was. But it was annoying for sure. After a brief sigh laced with irritation Hyunjin pulled himself up, eyes falling to the man now that he was clear in his sight. Thankfully he was shorter. The sun was again able to wrap around Hyunjins face, warming him instantly. He didn’t say anything. He just turned, bag over his shoulder. 

“Ah, I’m Chan.” More irritation. Hyunjin wasn’t usually this rude. But when he was in death-mode he’d do everything to keep away from distractions, whether he’d act on his desires or not. “We have a class together. I noticed you left early today and got worried. You left in such a rush that” the man—Chan, reached into his pocket, for what? “You left this.“ Hyunjin wasn’t sure why he turned. Nothing he’d left was important enough to turn and slip out of his thoughts. 

Maybe the item was important enough. How stupid of him to leave something so vital behind. Suddenly Hyunjin felt that stupid urge to live. The tiny sewn bear keychain with the little autumn leaf crown was settled in the other man’s palm. It looked so lonely being away from Hyunjin. He hated that he’d let it slip away so easily. 

“Thank you.” His own voice. He hadn’t meant for it to sound so high and soft. As Hyunjin slipped the little trinket into his grasp he couldn’t help but smile. Suddenly the dark, gloomy mood had vanished along with any thoughts of dying. They’d return later, but for now he was happy to be alive. Just for now. 

“It’s usually on your bag so when I saw it I knew whose it was immediately,” Hyunjin found that odd, but he just nodded as he clipped the keychain back onto his bag. How hadn’t he noticed it was gone before? 

“Thanks again, it does mean a lot to me.” It really did. The tiny bear was precious. Precious like the person who gave it to him. Hyunjin was ripping himself apart just thinking of how he’d let it slip away like this. 

“I figured. You play with it a lot in class.” It was odd. Hyunjin didn’t know this guy. He didn’t really pay attention to the people in his classes, but shouldn’t he have at least recognized him a bit? Chan. Chan didn’t ring a bell at all. Chan didn’t even seem real to him. He was just a stranger that somehow knew Hyunjin. Unless Chan was in his enormous lecture hall, he had no excuse to not recognizing this man. 

Hyunjin just nodded, sucking in his lip where the ring protruded, “Thank you again for finding it.” Slowly Hyunjin was feeling more and more uncomfortable. He wasn’t good with conversations to begin with and for some reason this Chan person was just watching him, making no attempt to leave. 

The man before him smiled wide, reaching his hand out to Hyunjins. For some reason Hyunjin felt like he had no choice but to shake it. He wasn’t sure why Chan wanted to shake hands, but whatever. As Hyunjins fingers outstretched and wrapped around Chan’s hand he couldn’t help but notice the tiny lines visible under Chan’s sleeve. Lines that peeked Hyunjins interest. 

“Well, I’ll see you around.” He spoke suddenly, tearing his hand from Hyunjins and slipping it deep into his pocket, “Hyunjin, right? You’re Jisungs roommate?” So Chan knew more about Hyunjin than he thought. 

“Yes, I am.” Hyunjin spoke, trying his best to keep his gaze from faltering from Chan’s eyes to his concealed wrist. He really wanted to see those cuts that he’d imagined were there. It was so interesting to him. 

Chan swallowed hard, offering Hyunjin a weak nod, “I’ll see you next time you’re talking to yourself.”

Hyunjin didn’t comment, he just slid his digits around the tiny bear as Chan walked away, back lit by the sun as his figure got smaller into the distance. Chan. Interesting. Hyunjin would have to remember to look for Chan the next time he could. March 25th. He met Chan. March 25th, his life changed. 

“Why are you staring at the wall?” Jisung hissed. Jisung was another interesting character in Hyunjins life. Like Felix, he’d spit about girls to him. All the girls he would sleep around to him like it meant anything to Hyunjin. He loved talking about himself but any time Hyunjin mentioned liking someone Jisung would ignore him. Honestly, he couldn’t blame him. Hyunjin didn’t listen to Jisung either. It was a constant back and forth between the two. But they were close regardless. 

“Hyunjin!” A stuffed animal smacked into the back of Hyunjins head, causing him to spin around from where he was sat, literally facing the wall, to glare back at the boy settled across the room. 

“What?”

“You’re staring at the wall, stop!”

“Is it bothering you?” 

“Yes.”

Hyunjin knew it wasn’t. Jisung was just being a toddler again. He knew Hyunjin was weird when they moved in earlier in the year. He should have been used to it by now. If Hyunjin could get used to listening to Jisung jerking off every night to hentai, Jisung could excuse Hyunjin staring into space silently. For some reason thinking of hentai brought Hyunjin back to Chan. The man he’d met earlier. The man with the little cuts on his wrist that had interested Hyunjin. Chan. 

“What do you know about Chan?” Hyunjin asked abruptly, turning to face Jisung fully, legs crossed comfortably as he watched the boy across the room slide his headphones around his neck. 

“Chan? What about him?” Jisung pulled a face, sliding his laptop off of his lap, “he’s in my composition class but we don’t talk a lot. Why?”

“He mentioned knowing I was your roommate.” Jisung looked perplexed, and not in a good way, “He was just bringing me back something I left and struck up conversation. I figured you knew more about him since he said your name…”

Apparently Jisung was just as clueless as Hyunjin. The way he arched his brow and started to nibble on his thumb was definitely telling. Jisung probably had no recollection of who Chan was. “I mean, I don’t really talk to the guy. He’s really quiet and weird. Kind of like you.” Hyunjin rolled his eyes at Jisungs snide comment, however keeping silent, “I don’t know how he found out we were roommates unless he asked Woojin or something. Woojin has a big mouth and knows everyone so he probably spat something around.”

That made sense. Woojin did know everyone. Even Hyunjin felt comfortable around the elder. “How is he weird?” Hyunjin asked then, resting his chin into his palm. 

Jisung squinted towards Hyunjin before sliding his headphones off, pushing his laptop to the foot of his bed, “Ah, he’s just odd.” That wasn’t at all descriptive. Hyunjin wanted description. He wanted to know how weird Chan was. He wanted to know if Chan was like him. “He draws a lot instead of taking notes, and whenever there are presentations he skips out.” That wasn’t that weird. Chan just might have been shy. Hyunjin couldn’t count the number of projects he’d failed due to skipping out on presentation day. 

“Maybe he has anxiety.” Hyunjin interjected, resting back into the body pillow that spread across his bed, “he doesn’t sound that weird.”

“He talks to himself and makes weird expressions at nothing.”

Hyunjin arched a brow, humming to himself as he scooted back against the black pillow, “so he’s a lot like me.”

“Definitely. Why are you interested in him all of a sudden?” Jisung snorted, seeming overly interested in why Hyunjin was talking about Chan. 

“He just started talking to me randomly today. I thought it was weird until he returned my keychain.”

Jisung paused, staring down at the floor, “Ah, your keychain. One day you’ll lose that thing for good.” Hyunjin would never let that happen. Despite the hiccup today, the keychain always found its way back. The keychain was so important and precious that it never strayed too far. 

“I won’t.” Hyunjin spoke then, adjusting himself so he was curled up against the body pillow, leg slumg over as his eyes stared into the imperfections in the wall. 

“Sure.” Jisung laughed, rustling around until Hyunjin was sure he was back on his laptop. Soon Jisung would probably start searching up one of his anime pornos before becoming a moaning mess at the bed. Hyunjin swore Jisung knew Hyunjin wasn’t ever asleep when Jisung did it, right? But jisung was pretty straight, so Hyunjin thought. Jisung would be uncomfortable knowing Hyunjin would get off to Jisungs moans once he was fast asleep, right? Sure they cuddled occasionally and all but...this was Jisung. He had to have known Hyunjin didn’t sleep well. 

Maybe Jisung could hear Hyunjin, too. But Hyunjin doubted it. Once Jisung was snoring, face pressed into his pillows and back to Hyunjin, he knew it was his turn. Jisung was dead asleep and he wouldn’t wake till the alarm at exactly six rang and woke up half the dorm. As Hyunjin slipped his underwear and shorts down his ankles he pulled himself up, careful not to creak the bed too loudly.

Hyunjin sigh, tugging the body pillow from the wall to settle beneath him. Body pillows were decoration for most people, right? For Hyunjin they were release. He wasn’t at all interested in dating anyone. He felt he was too weird and moody to catch anyone's interest despite people always trying to hook up with him. Plus being gay and not eccentric enough to let anyone know also made it impossible to fuck around. Most of his requests were from women. As he straddled the pillow he let out a soft hiss, hips immediately moving against the satin black cover that always treated his lower half well. Hyunjin, at times, wished he really could do this with someone. But the chances he’d fuck someone before finally killing himself were nil. Everyday he knew he was falling deeper into his depression. Soon he’d have enough pills. Soon. 

Hyunjin clasped his hand over his mouth as he rubbed himself against the plush surface, sweat pounding down his back. His free hand pumped his length that was just begging him for reward. He was overdoing it, definitely. Being so lost in his space wasn’t helping either. He couldn’t keep up with himself. Usually Hyunjin was good about pulling himself off the pillow in time, but everyone makes mistakes. Tonight was one of the many. Hyunjin let out a shrill gasp, seed coating across the black pillow case. At least he wouldn’t have to change his sheets. Just the case. As he rode out his petty orgasm he pulled himself off the pillow, rolling it to the floor. He didn’t mind if his cum mixed with the carpet at all, before he got his pillow he would rut himself against the floor, too. 

It always felt dirty. But satisfying. Thinking about Jisungs whiny moans really got to him. Honestly, anyone’s moans would have done it for him. He just had the pleasure of hearing Jisungs every night. Hyunjin wished he could make someone moan like that for him. But alas, he’d probably die before meeting anyone that would fuck him. 

Morning. In a way it wasn’t really morning yet. Hyunjin didn’t have classes till noon, but Jisungs alarm always stirred him wide awake. Annoyingly so. As Jisung rushed around the dorm Hyunjin couldn’t help but growl at every noise Jisung made. He was so loud, always. But Jisung always apologized, murmuring and hissing every time he made a sound as if he actually felt bad. Chances were he did. Jisung probably got a lot of shit for being the only one on their floor with a class at 6:15 in the morning. What a psycho. 

Once Jisung was gone there was peace, Hyunjin wrapped his blankets tightly around him, melting into the newfound silence. It was so comforting yet lonely. Being alone with Hyunjins thoughts were always dangerous, but each day he found a way to prosper. Hyunjin sigh as he rolled himself over, facing the wall. He should have tried to sleep but his mind was everywhere else. Today was probably going to be one of those days. The days that ended up going like a blur. Hyunjin wasn’t at all prepared. 

Eventually time really did move and the little clock on Hyunjins phone read noon, Hyunjin wasn’t sure he wanted to get up, though. He had a class in an hour. He should get up, right? Hyunjin shuffled, slipping his long legs off the side of his bed while being careful of the pillow he’d tossed below. Hopefully Jisung hadn’t touched it at all. Hyunjin definitely hadn’t taken the case off yet which was sure to be covered in his cum. Hyunjin sucked in a breath, rolling the pillow on its side. Good. Jisung hadn’t touched it. The stain was visible. Of course. 

Hyunjin slid out of his bed, giving a long stretch as he adjusted the ring at his lip that had shifted uncomfortably in the night. He really should take it out. Or at least replace it with a stud. He knew one night it’d get yanked out. Definitely. As he painfully tugged the ring into place he finally managed his way to his closet, gathering some clothes together. One thing he hated about living in this particular dorm hall were the shared showers. Hyunjin usually went late at night but last night was too much. He just wanted to get off and go to bed. Now he had to go during the day. Which terrified him. 

After sliding on his shower shoes and glasses he started out the door towards the showers on his floor, shower caddy tight in his grasp. Hopefully no one would be there. He just wanted to shower in peace—maybe jerk off if nobody was around. 

Maybe it was his lucky day. Either that or nobody really wanted to shower at noon. Hyunjin sighed, laying his clothes onto one of the counters alongside his glasses before choosing the shower closest to the view of the sinks. The last thing he wanted was someone stealing his clothes. Once Hyunjin dragged the curtain over he slid his shirt off, hanging it over the bar before doing the same with his sweatpants he’d recently put on. 

Water. It was a nice feeling. Hyunjin usually showered as hot as he could. The temperature had to burn his skin otherwise it was a waste. Hot showers were such a relief, maybe it would clear Hyunjins day. 

It wasn’t Hyunjins day. As soon as his fingers slipped into his hair he heard the door open. Hyunjin ignored it. He just wouldn’t be able to get off but he’d be alright. He’d just shower quickly and speed out before the awkward encounter with some guy. Hyunjins eyes shut right as he heard the shuffling in the shower directly beside him(because of course the guy choose the one closest to Hyunjin), lathering the shampoo that had accompanied him. 

He really wished he could ignore this person. But they weren’t quiet. Hyunjin nearly shrieked each time the guy dropped something. And his whistling was excessive, too. It was like this guy was begging to get clocked. Hyunjin just shook his head, rinsing the shampoo and quickly mixing the conditioner throughout his hair. Quick and easy. He’d be out in no time. 

“Fuck—“ the voice in the stall was enough to snap Hyunjins eyes opened. It was familiar, but he couldn’t quite pinpoint it. Whatever they were doing they sounded distressed. But again, Hyunjin wanted to ignore it. He wanted nothing to do with whatever this guy was up to. He just wanted to hurry and rush back so he could maybe go to class. He was contemplating just going back to the dorm to fuck himself before Jisungs classes finished. 

Hyunjin tried. He really did. But the strange little whines coming from the other stall were starting to bother him. It was as if the person besides him was in pain. Hyunjin let out a soft breath as he lathered himself in soap. He really didn’t want to be so curious. At all. But there he was, hurrying to rinse himself before peering out of his curtain, noticing that whoever had come in hadn’t really brought anything that Hyunjin could see with him. 

“Hello?” Why. Why was Hyunjin so curious. After not receiving a reply or so much as any indication he’d been heard, he slipped the towel from the little hook by the shower around his waist, brushing wet hair back. “Are you okay?” Hyunjin wasn’t usually so bold. But something about the little whimpers coming from the stall got to him. And soon he realized why. 

Red. Traces of red visible at the bottom of the curtains. Hyunjin inhaled, looking hard at the curtain. It must have been blood. This person was hurt, weren’t they? Why hadn’t they said anything? 

“I’m going to open it.” Hyunjin announced, towel tight as his fingertips grabbed the closest side, drawing it back carefully. He honestly wasn’t sure what to expect. 

He didn’t expect to see the man he’d met the other day curled up in the corner, blonde hair soaked and wrist pumping out a steady enough crimson. Hyunjin gasped. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do but he couldn’t help but crouch down into the stall, grabbing the man’s wrist tightly, pressing against the self-inflicted wound. At least Hyunjin assumed it was. Chan. Those cuts should have warned Hyunjin before. He was obviously harming himself. Why hadn’t he done anything? 

“Hey, are you okay? Chan—“ Hyunjin kept his fingers pressed firmly, sliding up Chan’s sleeve to reveal a dozen more tiny cuts. He could even make out cigarette burns as he scanned up the man’s arm. Jesus. He really was like Hyunjin. “Im going to call someone. Who should I call?” 

“Don’t.” 

Chan’s words were hard to make out, but Hyunjin just nodded in reply, keeping an eye on the wound. He wasn’t even sure when Chan had done it. There was no blood outside the stall. And he didn’t see a blade anywhere. Hyunjin was shaking nervously, and the water that was smacking against him was ice cold. How he hadn’t ran out was a mystery. 

“Okay, I won’t.” Hyunjin swallowed, eyes meeting Chan’s now. They were puffy and he looked like he'd been crying for hours. There was also this warm glint of fear. Hyunjin recognized those eye well. Chan didn’t want to die. Hyunjin wouldn’t allow it. He couldn’t let him do this. 

Hyunjin pulled himself up, shutting the water off and closing the curtain before curling up in the spot beside Chan. Chan didn’t move but he seemed hesitant, expression puzzled. “It’s okay.” Hyunjin reassured, rubbing circles into the man’s wrist before slipping the length of his towel to press against the wound. Chan whined but he didn’t pull away. Thankfully he just stayed still, allowing Hyunjin to press the towel. 

They stayed quiet for awhile, the only sounds coming from the water that dropped from Chan’s hair and blood from his shaky hand. Hyunjin pressed his head back against the tiles, keeping a close eye on Chan’s blinking. 

“Don’t die.” Hyunjin whispered then, biting at his lip ring. “I need you to stay awake, okay?” Chan just settles into Hyunjin more, unexpectedly resting his head into the small of his neck. Hyunjin wouldn’t question it or mind. He didn’t know Chan, but he knew that he needed comfort. “I don’t want to know why you did this,” he did, “but don’t do it again. Seriously.”

Chan shivered into him now, eyes starting to struggle, “you don’t know me.”

Hyunjin smacked his cheek, causing Chan to whine against him. The elder was a handful. But he wasn’t about to let him die. He couldn’t let that happen. Not again. “Stay awake. You don’t know me, either but I’m trying to help. If you die in here I’ll have to witness that.” Again. 

Chan just whined again, teeth starting to chatter as his free hand reached to cup over Hyunjins. It didn’t take long before the blonde was all tears, sobbing openly against Hyunjin. Yeah, Chan didn’t want to really die. Hyunjin knew better. Chan held the same look he did. The same scared look. He didn’t want to die. 

“I’m here.” Hyunjin whispered, lips grazing along the damp blondes locks, “I’m not leaving you alone, okay?” He really should call someone. But Chan had asked him not to. He didn’t want to do anything that would make Chan feel worse than he already must have. 

Maybe too much time passed. Chan was freezing. Hyunjin was starting to freeze too. Hyunjin felt how stiff his body was from sitting with Chan like this. It was awfully uncomfortable, but thankfully Chan had managed to survive. He hadn’t passed out and the blood had stopped, too. He’d be okay for now. 

“Can I go get dressed?” Hyunjin asked, Chan’s face turning to look at him. He looked so bad. So broken. Hyunjin wanted to know why but, Chan was so cold. He needed warmth. “I’ll bring my towel back for you. It’s warm.” 

Chan’s nod wasn’t exactly convincing, but Hyunjin managed to slip himself away and hurry to change in the stall he’d showered in. He was sure his shirt was backwards but taking care of Chan was more important. 

Once Hyunjin finished he rushed back to Chan, thankful he was still sitting upright and awake. “Hey…” hyunjin paused, Chan’s eyes barely reaching his. Hyunjin just offered this weak smile before wrapping the towel over Chan, rubbing at his shoulders. 

“Thank you.” Chan whispered, shrinking into the touch as his eyes finally shut. Thankfully he was only closing them from frustration rather than from passing out. “I’m so sorry—“

“Don’t.” Hyunjin interrupted, massaging the man’s shoulders, “don’t apologize. You didn’t do anything I haven’t tried.” Maybe it was sick to laugh, but he couldn’t help himself. 

“I saw you in the quad with those pills. You didn’t take them.” Hyunjin swallowed hard, continuing to warm Chan as he scanned the man’s arms again, 

“No, I didn’t.”

“I came here because I saw someone coming in here.”

Hyunjin let out a deep sigh, biting at his lip ring much harder than he ever had before. “You came here to kill yourself, right?”

Chan winced, letting his head rest on Hyunjins shoulder, “I just wanted someone to be able to find me after. I didn’t want to rot or something and—“ Chan sniffled, burying his face forwards now into Hyunjin again. 

Hyunjin could see through Chan. Chan didn’t really follow Hyunjin in to have someone find him. He followed him to have someone save him. To give him attention. It was all so familiar. Thankfully this time Hyunjin was able to save Chan. And Chan’s cut wasn’t that deep. Chan didn’t want to die, that was so clear. But he didn’t question it. He didn’t push it. It wasn’t his place. 

“Do you want me to walk you to your dorm?” Hyunjin asked quietly, feasting movement at Chan’s shoulders and wrapping his arms comfortably around the man’s back. 

“I don’t want to go back there.” Hyunjin figured, Chan was so broken up. He probably didn’t want to startle his own roommate. 

“Come back to my dorm, then.” Hyunjin had a class he was skipping anyways. And he’d just have to jerk off later. “My roommates gone for a few more hours and I can get you warm clothes.” He wasn’t sure why he was offering this. He didn’t know Chan. 

“Are you sure?”

Definitely not. 

“Definitely.”

Chan was awfully quiet. For someone who seemed to bright the other day he was silent, staring at the floor as he sat at Hyunjins bed. Though Hyunjins clothes were slimmer he’d managed to find a large t-shirt that hugged around Chan’s shoulders nicely. And the pants were an easy fit. Hyunjins waist was a lot more slim than Chan’s, but they again managed to find a wider pair. 

“So...how are you feeling?” Hyunjin asked finally, leaning against his desk as Chan’s gaze turned to meet his. “Any better?”

“Hardly.” Chan replied, voice hoarse. “My head hurts so bad.” He complained, rubbing at his eyes as he hugged the blanket Hyunjin had given him. 

“Again, I don’t want to know why but—you won’t do this again, right?” Hyunjin bit his lip again, watching Chan’s eyes fall to the ground. Of course they did. 

“I won’t.” He probably would. Especially with how his pupils were shaking. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“That’s fine.” Hyunjin added. But it wasn’t fine. Hyunjin seemed so calm when inside all he could do was panic for the man he barely knew. He wouldn’t know how to handle hauling another dead body. He couldn’t handle that. “Do you want to talk about anything else?”

Chan’s eyes were seldom, but he nodded after a moment. “How are you so calm?”

Hyunjin wasn’t expecting Chan to ask that of all things. He sighed, staring down at the floor in thought. He wondered if he should just tell Chan the truth or not. He didn’t know Chan. Nor was he sure what Chan was trying to do in the bathroom earlier. Killing himself, definitely not. “I’ve just been through this before.”

“Ah...killing yourself.”

Not quite. Hyunjin wasn’t sure telling Chan would do anything. “No,” Chan’s attention was all his now. As Hyunjin brought his eyes up he could see the blonde man’s squinting to him questionably. Fuck it. “That charm you returned to me. It’s important for a reason.” He paused, watching as Chan’s lips parted in anticipation, “the person who gave it to me did the same thing you just pulled.”

Chan’s expression fell. Whatever he was trying to do must have finally hit him. Hyunjin could tell he was straining with the new information, maybe he felt bad for what he’d just done. 

“I—I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

“It’s fine.” 

“Did they—“

Hyunjins eyes rolled to the side, teeth chewing at the ring at his lip uncomfortably. Maybe he was oversharing. Maybe he shouldn’t have told Chan. Why was he telling him anyways? “Not that time, but yeah eventually he did.”

The silence between them was unnerving. Chan’s mouth had slacked open apologetically yet no sound seemed to escape. Hyunjin really shouldn’t have said anything. “It was a long time ago.” Hyunjin added after a while, “that’s why I’m calm. Because I helped him when he tried once. Besides your cut isn’t that bad.” Maybe Hyunjin shouldn’t have said that. If Chan really was trying to die in some way, telling him his cut wasn’t deep enough was definitely not right to say. 

Chan laughed nervously, cupping his fingers over the cut across his wrist that Hyunjin should have bandaged. “Yeah, I didn’t cut it that deep at all.”

Hyunjin wasn’t sure how to react. He didn’t want to join the laughter, that was for sure. “Don’t do it again. Seriously.”

Chan’s eyes softened, “I’ll try not to.” Chan was too convincing. He probably wouldn’t do it again. Whatever Chan was doing, he seemed to think it was going according to plan. “Thank you for taking care of me.” What was he doing?

“My roommate should be here in a few hours.” Hyunjin pulled himself from his position against the desk, leaning down to gather some discarded clothes. He really needed to do his laundry. Laundry. Hyunjin paused, swallowing hard. Laundry. He forgot to take the pillowcase off of his pillow. The pillow that was at the floor. That he’s turned before leaving. Hyunjins eyes scanned the floor quickly, locating the pillow was still in its place where he’d rolled it before leaving. But of course, the stain was pretty visible. Fuck. Maybe Chan didn’t notice. 

“Oh, do I have to leave?” Hyunjin wasn’t sure. “Can I stay longer I don’t...I really don’t want to go back to my dorm.” Chan’s pause did something to Hyunjins conscience. He didn’t want him to stay but at the same time he did. He didn’t want the blonde to be unhappy going home at all. 

“You can stay,” Hyunjin watched as Chan’s expression altered, “but only for a bit. I have to clean up and Jisung will probably think it’s weird that I have someone over without his permission.” 

“It’s your dorm, too.” Chan added, prying himself from Hyunjins bed, “I can help if you’d like? You did just...save me.” Technically Chan wasn’t going to die regardless. The blood was steady but in a way Hyunjin just knew Chan wouldn’t have died. It wasn’t steady enough. It wasn’t like his. 

“No I can clean up on my own.” Hyunjins eyes met the black pillow pushed off by the bed. The last thing he wanted was Chan grabbing a handful of the pillow to be alarmed by the dry cum. He really didn’t want that. “You can relax I guess. When Jisung comes I’ll see what he says about you staying a little longer.”

“Can I stay the night?” What was Chan’s angle. Hyunjins eyes landed back to Chan’s, who had this cute little glint as if that meant anything, “I really don’t want to go back. Changbin will be so pissed off.”

With that Hyunjin let out a long sigh, running fingers through his hair in thought. Why did Hyunjin want to say yes? Jisung would never be okay with that. Plus where would chan sleep? He didn’t want to sleep on the floor and — Chan was pretty but sleeping next to him was out of the question. “I’ll talk to Jisung but don’t get your hopes up, okay?” Chan’s eyes lit up again. What the fuck. 

“Thank you! Thank you so much, really.” What was Hyunjin doing. Did he even know at this point? What was Chan’s angle?

Hyunjin ignored it, though. He just went over to the body pillow and flipped it over, unzipping the case quickly as Chan settled himself back onto his bed. “Why don’t you want to go home?” Hyunjins voice was more irritable than he imagined. He didn’t want to sound so pissed off but—his tone reflected it well. 

Chan didn’t seem to notice. “I just can’t. I’d rather not.” Chan’s words were pissing Hyunjin off, but he wouldn’t press much further. It wasn’t like Chan would say anything believable anyways. Hyunjin was still sure the suicide attempt was an act. 

Time passed. Maybe too much time. Lots of silence mixed in with Chan’s yawns every now and then. It didn’t help with Hyunjins agitation. He didn’t hate Chan at all, he just wanted to know his angle. Why the fuck he’d done this. Was he stalking Hyunjin or something? No. Hyunjin was just jumping to conclusions like he always did. This was nothing. Chan was probably really scared and Hyunjin was just reading it wrong. Chan really had tried to die. He was just awful at it. 

Hyunjin wanted to speak, but he wasn’t sure what to say. Chan had rest against his wall, eyes fluttering as he gripped one of Hyunjins stuffed animals tight against his chest. He probably should have told Chan he’d fucked that one—but how do you tell a stranger that? Maybe Hyunjin wasn’t meant to talk to Chan at the moment, within seconds his front door clicked and in came Jisung singing some ballad through his AirPods.

Jisung walked right passed Hyunjin and Chan, tossing his bag onto his bed as he belted out some song Hyunjin in now way recognized. Their music was similar but this song wasn’t anything Hyunjin could recall. It was so soft despite Jisung screaming the lyrics out the way he was. 

“Seriously?” Hyunjin sigh, throwing another plush at Jisungs back once the younger had turned to face his bed, “Shut up.”

Jisung snorted as he ripped the headphones from his head, turning with a scrunched nose to Hyunjin. It was as if he’d finally seen them. His eyes widened, scanning between the two a moment, “oh, hi.”

Chan yawned once more into his sleeve, offering Jisung a tiny wave that the younger returned before giving Hyunjin a raised brow. 

“Ah, we ran into each other in the showers. He forgot to bring clothes with him so I brought him here to get some.” Hyunjin must have sounded ridiculously stupid. Chan even gave him a weird look. 

“Cool.” Jisung snickered, yanking his AirPods from his ears, “so you two are just hanging out? That’s cute.” Hyunjin wasn’t sure what Jisung was implying, but the circumstances of being with Chan right now were anything but cute. 

Chan stayed silent, eyes gravitating to Hyunjins as if he was secretly screaming for him to say something else. What the hell did he expect him to say? “He’s good company.” Was he? Hyunjin wasn’t exactly sure. For the passed hour all they’d done wa stare at each other and the wall. Hyunjin wanted another moment before dragging himself out of his own bed, stretching himself out as Jisung plopped onto his own bed, “Anyways, I’ll walk him back.” The defeat in Chan’s eyes was almost enough to make Hyunjin feel bad. Almost. 

Jisung smirked, sliding his laptop onto his lap, “he can stay. I don’t mind.” 

Hyunjin rolled his eyes, grabbing Chan’s sleeve, “I’d rather not hang out with you.” Hyunjin teased, giving Jisung a playful look he hoped the younger bought. 

He must have. Jisung waved them off, eyes flying to his screen. Hyunjin figures Jisung wouldn’t mind. He’d hate to miss out of Jisung rubbing himself under his sheet as he watched his porn, but it was probably best to leave. The atmosphere was a little too much. 

Once Hyunjin had managed to pull Chan down the hall he was finally forced to stop, the elder hissing behind him. Reluctantly Hyunjin managed to turn, nibbling at his lip as his eyes met the blondes, “I don’t want to go to back. I thought you were going to see if it was okay to stay. Jisung said it was fine?” Chan’s tone had changed. He sounded almost as annoyed as Hyunjin was with this whole situation. 

“Yeah, i'd rather not.” Hyunjin had to force himself from Chan’s pout, which was inexplicably adorable. “Jisungs an asshole. It’s better that we left.”

Chan sighed, “He’s not bad. He seems nice.”

“I said no. I won’t take you back right now but we’re not hanging out at my room, okay? We can go eat or something.” Hyunjin wasn’t really sure he wanted to spend more time with Chan. He was interesting, but whatever the hell just happened was enough for him. Not to mention they were definitely awkward with each other. 

“No food.” Chan stammered. Jesus Christ, Hyunjin couldn’t catch a break. What the fuck was he supposed to do with this guy? “Can you just follow me? I need to do something.” For fuck sake. 

“What, are you trying to kill me now?” Hyunjin should have watched his words. He wasn’t sure if Chan was serious or not earlier but he really shouldn’t be joking like that. Immediately he bit harder at his lip, studying Chan’s I changed expression. 

Chan rolled his eyes after a moment, wrapping his fingers around Hyunjins wrist to drag him behind until they reached the shady side of the dorm building whose only view was of the forest. Maybe Chan was going to kill him. 

Maybe not. 

Chan let Hyunjin go, digging his nails into a loose brick before yanking it from the side, quickly slipping out a lighter and what looked like a blunt. Pot? Something Hyunjin hadn’t done since high school. Suddenly Chan had his interest. Or at least the pot did. 

“Smoke with me. It helps.” Chan whispered, peering around as if anyone in their right mind would come back here. “Nicer than eating.” Chan added lighting the small blunt before shoving the lighter back into the wall and replacing the brick. Hyunjin should have gazed in to see what else was in there but he figured it wasn’t his place. 

“So...you just stash weed in the wall?” Hyunjin spoke, eyes narrow as Chan pressed the lit stick to his lips. Something about the way Chan drew in the long drag made Hyunjin tense. The way he gazed at him with soft eyes as he let the smoke escape from those plush lips did something too. But Hyunjin was trying really hard to negate that.

“Yeah—I mean, if I failed earlier and nobody saw me I was going to come here anyways. It takes my mind off of things. Just like you talking to yourself in the quad.” There was a glint of playfulness lacing in with Chan’s words, but Hyunjin was too focused on his lips to really listen. But once he finally took in what Chan had said he just wanted to roll his eyes. In a way he really did think Chan had followed him into the shower on purpose. 

“Sure.” Hyunjin relaxed, sliding himself doe against the wall, patting besides him for Chan. As much as he’d rather not get involved with someone as unreadable as Chan, he couldn’t deny a good time. Maybe smoking pot behind the dorms would be way more satisfying than waiting to jerk off to Jisungs moans later in the night. Maybe. 

Chan smirked, taking a seat a little too close as he took another drag. After a moment, lips parting in bliss as he tossed his head back some, nearly smacking the wall. It was annoying. It was annoying how Hyunjin didn’t want anything to do with Chan after what he’d pulled in the showers yet he wanted everything to do with him at the same time. It was a weird mix that Hyunjin wasn’t sure he liked. 

“Want to try?” Chan’s breathless voice was a lot. Hyunjin felt it made him as bothered as Jisungs moaning. 

“Sure.”

It was alright. Not the best weed by any means. But it was weed. It would be fine. Hyunjin honestly couldn't have passed it up. Though it didn’t have the strongest effect he still felt like he’d been lifted. A good lifted. 

“I’m sorry,” Chan’s voice pulled Hyunjins attention quickly, eyes trying their best to watch his eyes rather than his lips this time, “I didn’t mean to force your hand to help me. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Don’t apologize,” Hyunjin frowned, slipping the blunt back into Chan’s fingers, “Seriously, you needed help. I was there.” Hyunjin still didn’t believe that he hadn’t been deliberately followed, but he’d let it pass. 

Chan laughed, taking another long inhale before leaning in to Hyunjin, eyes half lidded now. He looked really good, Hyunjin thought. He looked so—no. He couldn’t think that way. Not right now. “Thank you for helping me.”

Hyunjin sighed, turning to examine the man’s face now that it was only inches away from his own. He didn’t want to say anything else. He just wanted to kiss those plush pink lips that had taunted him the last few hours. Badly. It must have been the weed. Maybe. How much time had even passed? Hyunjin was sure not much. Maybe he just wanted to kiss Chan. Yeah, he wanted to kiss Chan. 

“What?” Chan’s smile was so cute. He was so bright and Hyunjin just wanted to devour him. “Why’re you looking at me like that?” Chan’s head was tilting to the side as if he didn’t understand what Hyunjin was feeling. Seriously, Hyunjin could tell Chan knew. Chan wanted to kiss him too, didn’t he?

Hyunjin couldn't help but let out the soft growl that was stuck in his throat as Chan took another long drag of the blunt. How much was even left? Hyunjin couldn’t fucking tell. His eyes were so glued to the blonde man with the wavy locks. So glued that when Chan reached a hand behind his head he scooted himself closer, eyes fluttering in anticipation. 

“Come here.” 

Chan’s voice was so demanding in a way, but Hyunjin couldn’t resist. And soon his lips finally met those soft pink ones. They were as soft as they looked. Chan was so soft. The hand at his neck was soft. He was soft. So fucking soft that he couldn’t contain the little gasp as Chan blew the smoke from his mouth into Hyunjins. Hyunjin gasped, smoke escaping from the corner of his mouth as Chan tossed the nearly finished blunt to the ground, wrapping his free hand around Hyunjins jaw. 

Fuck. 

There was a definite moan that escaped Hyunjins lips as Chan pulled him closer, inching himself against the wall as Hyunjin crawled over him, hands exploring the man’s chest he hadn’t gotten the pleasure of seeing earlier. It wasn’t soft. At all. Underneath this shirt Chan must have been all muscle. God he wanted to slip a hand underneath. 

Chan’s tongue finally pressed its way into Hyunjins mouth, curiously wrapping around his. Chan tasted good, too. Hyunjin may have been high, but he tasted really awesome. Like so good that Hyunjin could die after this and have lived the most fulfilling life. Chan snickered into the kiss, rubbing his thumb along Hyunjins cheek as his hips bucked slightly. It was enough to force another moan from Hyunjins lips. Chan must have noticed the effect, because now he was fully grinding against Hyunjin like they weren’t outside behind the dorm. 

“Careful.” Hyunjin warned, sliding a hand to the wall behind them as his own hips moved back along Chans, sighing happily as Chan started to bite at his lip. He wasn’t really sure what he was doing, but it didn’t matter. None of it mattered right now. 

Chan’s hand slid from behind Hyunjins neck, crawling underneath of his shirt to graze along his back. Hyunjin could only hiss at the touch, arching his back as Chan’s nails dragged at his lower back, tongue moving hungrily inside of his mouth. It was so good. Too good. If Chan didn’t stop he was sure to fuck him right there. 

After what felt like hours Hyunjin finally pulled away, breath hitching from both highs as he scooted himself back from Chan. He hadn’t realized how hard and uncomfortable he’d gotten. He’d have to deal with that later, though. “Chan,” Hyunjin spoke through shaky breaths, both hands resting on either side of the wall to hold himself up. He didn’t think he’d get this wrecked from kissing. But it had been awhile. And he was high. 

“Yeah?” Chan sounded more collected as he slipped his hand from Hyunjins back, resting his fingertips along his thigh instead, “you're a really nice kisser, Hyunjin. I really like your ring.” Chan moves a hand to point to his own lips, swollen and red. 

Hyunjin couldn’t help but muster a small laugh, moving a hand to cover his face that he was sure was all red and stupid. “You too—“ honestly, Chan’s kisses were nice. Especially the biting on his ring. So nice that he’d nearly forgotten the predicament from just hours before. Hyunjin sighed, sliding himself from Chan’s lap to settle back against the wall, fingers raking up into his own hair as if he were distressed. In a way he kind of was. 

“Hyunjin, I’m sorry for causing you so much trouble.” Chan laughed again, inching his fingers to settle so close to Hyunjins thigh again. 

“You didn’t.”

Chan’s laugh was so cute. Contagious to the point that Hyunjin had grown a smile of his own—definitely a rare occurrence for him. “I did. Now we’re sitting behind the dorm smoking pot and kissing when I should probably be at the counselors.”

Hyunjin bit at his lip, leaning in to Chan’s shoulder, “I can still take you.”

“Nah.”

“Where do you wanna go then, my room?” Hyunjin felt so light. So light that he wasn’t even aware of what he was trying to say. “I don’t want to go see jisung.” Jisung would be more upset that Hyunjin didn’t share the pot than the fact he was high. 

“My room.” Chan cooed, leaning in to Hyunjin to press the softest of kisses to his hair. 

Hyunjin wasn’t sure he’d ever lifted himself up faster. His head whirled as he pressed a hand to the cool wall, letting out a long hiss as he collected himself. He didn’t even notice that Chan had his hand pressed against his pants, lips grazing his ear hungrily. Oh, that’s what they were going to do? Honestly, Hyunjin wouldn’t say no. Having sex with Chan was definitely something he’d thought about, especially in the last few hours he’d spent with him despite the incident. 

“Okay.”

Hyunjin was breathless as Chan dragged him around the corner, getting light stares from people he recognized as they walked passed them. It was really early in the day still, so there was no surprise that the outside of their dormitory was crowding with students. But Hyunjin still didn’t mind at all. The only thing on his mind was Bang Chan and how much he wanted to wreck him. 

Chan’s room was empty as the elder dragged Hyunjin inside, shoving him into the wall to crash their lips together again. Hyunjin assumed Chan’s roommate must have gone to class or something by how bold Chan was. 

“Hyunjin, you’re really hot.” Chan whispered, biting a little too hard a his lip, teeth dragging the little ring uncomfortably at his bottom lip, “like, really hot.”

Hyunjin smirked, hands trailing up Chan’s hips, suddenly he felt bold. Suddenly he wanted to throw the elder to the ground and give him whatever he asked for. Maybe it was the pot. Or maybe Hyunjin was too pent up. It didn’t help that Chan was really fucking irresistible. 

Once Chan’s hands made their way up Hyunjins shirt and nails into his hips he couldn’t help but drag Chan from the wall, sitting the elder onto what he hoped was Chan’s bed before falling on his knees. Chan’s face was a little pink which was really cute in a way. Hyunjin sigh pleasantly as Chan’s fingers made their way into his hair, moving his own hands to Chan’s waistband. Thank god for sweatpants. They’d make things so much easier. 

“Can I do this?” Hyunjin whispered, eyes glossy as they scanned Chan’s expression. Chan was a little high, too. The last thing he wanted was to take advantage of that, even if Chan had initiated all of this in the first place. 

Chan nodded, giving Hyunjin a half-smirk as he caressed the others scalp. He seemed so lucid. Hyunjin would take that as Chan being aware of what he was doing. He really hoped he knew at least. For someone who wanted to kill themselves earlier he was awfully interested in living wildly. Hyunjin swallowed, sliding the band of the sweats until he could clearly see the throbbing pink top. Hyunjin wondered if Chan had adjusted himself while he wasn’t looking or something. 

Chan hissed as Hyunjin leaned himself in, letting his tongue slide along the man’s head. He’d take it slow. Just in case. Chan’s grip tightened at his hair and he could feel the elder sliding his sweats down more, the length begging for release. 

“Inpatient?” Hyunjin whispered, helping Chan pull the sweats down that were sticking to his thighs down more, stopping once the sweats hit Chan’s knees that settled off the bed.

“Definitely.”

Chan was incredulously hot. Hyunjin really couldn’t believe how much hotter the elder was with his ears and nose all red, and his eyes glossed over the way they were — fucking perfect. Chan looked so good that maybe none of this was real. How Chan had gone from meeting him yesterday to receiving a blowjob seemed surreal. 

Hyunjin wrapped a hand loosely around Chan’s base, eyes watching for any indication the elder wasn’t comfortable before leaning in again, taking the pulsing head into his mouth to receive a strained moan. His moans were even hot. Chan was just really hot. Hyunjin released a tiny moan of his own, feeling Chan buck his hips as if he was already overstimulated by Hyunjins motions. 

“Oh wow—“ Chan was smiling as he threw his head back a bit, “being high makes things feel so much more amazing.” Chans voice was dripping of honey already, breaths shallow as he rolled his hips. 

Hyunjin just laughed, squeezing the length in his hand before taking more of Chan into his mouth, letting his tongue tease his slit. Chan just tensed in return, tightening his fingers in the brown locks. Chan’s reaction was definitely beautiful. Chan was so beautiful. This broken man was beautiful. For some reason Hyunjin was finding himself obsessed — but maybe it was just the high talking. 

Once Chan seized moving his hips and breathing more comfortably Hyunjin moved his hand, taking as much of Chan as he could until the man’s length brushed along his throat. It felt incredible. Simply incredible. Chan tasted so clean and bitter, but in a good way. And his moans that were controlling the room were definitely fuzzing Hyunjins head. 

“Ahh, Hyunjin can I —your mouth?” It was cute. Maybe Chan didn’t want to curse or something. That’s fucking cute. Hyunjin hummed against the length, hollowing his cheeks as he bobbed his head faster, sliding his hand to Chan’s inner thigh before squeezing his sack. In reply Chan just moaned out loudly, fingers digging into Hyunjins scalp as he started to thrust his hips upward. 

Hyunjin would be lying if he said it wasn’t painful. It kind of was. It had been awhile since he sucked anyone off, and even then, they weren’t as big as Chan. Not as delicious. Hyunjin could ignore the uncomfortableness for Chan’s dick. 

“Hyunjin, I’m not gonna last.” The weed probably made everything more sensitive. Chan should have lasted longer than this, Hyunjin was no pro. Or maybe he was. At least, for Chan. As Chan shifted himself, free hand tightening into a fiat, Hyunjin finally found a more comfortable pace, hand squeezing at Chan’s sack as his tongue and teeth teased the length inside his mouth. 

Chan was right, he wasn’t going to last. Within seconds Chan had himself pressed in deep, head smacking the wall as he came inside Hyunjins mouth. It must have been amazing, the way Chan’s hair had fallen into his eyes and the color at his cheeks was enough indication. 

“Oh god, I’m so sorry I came inside!” Chan laughed in panic, pulling himself up some only to be forced into place, Hyunjins hands moving from Chan’s sack to caress his thighs. The elder seemed to relax into it, watching Hyunjin as he writhed slightly from the stimulation. 

Hyunjin wanted all of Chan’s seed, honestly. He was trying his hardest to drink it all down but his mouth wasn’t that big. He knew there was probably white slipping down his chin as he suctioned the cum from Chan as best he could. Chan just moaned encouragement, hips rolling gently as his hands slipped form Hyunjins hair to rub his back. 

After a moment he finally pulled off, confident he’d sucked Chan dry before looking up to the blonde confidently, crawling up his shaky stomach and torso with his lips before settling himself over the blonde, curling his legs around his waist as his mouth moved along Chan’s. Kissing Chan was like heaven right now. He was so greedily exploring the blondes mouth, tongues wrapping around each other for oxygen. It was so nice. 

“Hyunjin—“ Chan finally broke the kiss, head falling against the wall again — wow did he look good with his hair all disheveled like that, “want me to return the favor?”

Hyunjin paused, looping his arms around Chan’s neck comfortably, “how far are we taking this?”

“Not all the way. At least not today.”

In a way that sounded really reassuring. It meant that Chan wanted to do more of this and it wasn’t just the pot talking — at least Hyunjin really hoped it wasn’t. He really wanted to do more but this was honestly more than enough. He could wait to get fucked. He didn’t mind. 

“We can stop. if we keep at it we’ll end up fucking” Hyunjin laughed then, leaning towards Chan’s face to press kisses to is jaw. The elder shivered in response, tiny giggles escaping his own throat. 

“Ah, no handie?” Chan snorted, cupping Hyunjins jaw, “it’s the least I could do for you saving my life.”

“I’m not going to say no.” 

Chan snickered, taking Hyunjins lips once more before turning on the bed, laying Hyunjin onto his back as he pulled Hyunjins shirt up enough to expose his pretty stomach. “You’re really hot, did I tell you that?” He had. 

“I know.” Hyunjin whispered back, sliding an arm behind his head to prop himself some. He wanted to see what Chan was doing properly. All of it. 

“Mmh.” Chan murmured before slipping down to trail kisses along Hyunjins stomach, teeth paying close attention to the younger boys button. It felt really nice. Loving for some reason. Hyunjin hoped it wasn’t like that, though. He knew absolutely nothing about Chan or his intentions. All he knew was he was getting attention from the hottest human being of all time. 

“Chan, if you don’t stop teasing me I’m going to beg for your dick.”

Chan’s smile reached his eyes as he climbed up Hyunjins torso, leaning down to nuzzle their noses as if they were dating or something, “I’m sorry. You’re just so hot, Hyunjin.” 

Hyunjin couldn’t help but scoff as he reached down to unzip his pants, the sound causing Chan to whistle and slide his hand to cup over the painful bulge they’d been ignoring. Hyunjin arched his brow but lay himself back more, letting his hand slip to Chan’s hip instead. He was so hard. All he wanted was for the other male to do something. Anything. 

“Now who’s being impatient?”

Hyunjin couldn’t fight the little grin that appeared at his own face as he watched Chan closely, the elder tugged his pants down some, eyes brightening at the sight of Hyunjins underwear. 

“Damn.” Chan bit his lip, scooting himself up some. Hyunjin had almost forgotten that Chan hadn’t pulled his sweatpants up. He could see Chan’s dick twitching with excitement. He’d probably be hard again within minutes. 

After a moment of watching Chan stare at his underwear Hyunjin grew more impatient, reaching down to pull his own length from the constrictions of cloth, gazing at how swollen he’d gotten from just sucking Chan off moments ago. The air against his length only made everything more sensitive, causing him to shudder against the bed. 

Chan sighed, dragging his fingertips down Hyunjins stomach before adjusting himself, the tip of his own hardening length resting against Hyunjins, “how about a little more than a handie…” Hyunjin wasn’t about to tell Chan no. Once they were pressed together he couldn’t help but writhe beneath, letting out soft sighs of confirmation before feeling Chan’s hand wrap around both their lengths. It felt so nice to be touched. It really had been a long time. 

“That feels so good, Chan.” Hyunjin whispered out, head pressing back into the sheets as his eyes began to flutter in bliss. He must have been touch-starved. Everything felt so intense and good. It again, could have been his high, but he really doubted it. Chan’s touches were really something else. 

“Good.” The elder let out a steady moan as he moved his hand now, hips rolling along. The friction between them was insane. Every time Chan would pull his hand down and expose Hyunjins swelling tip he couldn’t help but let out breathy moans. 

Hyunjin lost track of time again, his breaths so jagged as Chan continued to move his hand at their lengths, hips bucking against Hyunjins every once in a while to cause both of them to gasp or cry out maybe a little too loudly. But Hyunjin didn’t care if anyone heard. He was enjoying this so much. He’d hate if after this they stopped talking. This guy — he didn’t want him to go. 

“I’m gonna come again—“ Chan warned, quickening the motion with his hand before letting out an ungodly moan, thick white lines coating Hyunjins stomach. Hyunjin wished Chan would have done it in his mouth again, but this was fine. He’d just have to shower again—maybe even get Chan to come with him. Maybe. 

Chan was breathing so heavily, hand still moving despite him releasing himself already. He must’ve wanted Hyunjin to come before he collapsed. At least that’s what Hyunjin assumed. Despite shuddering through his orgasm Chan seemed awfully focused on getting Hyunjin off. Cute. Hyunjin let out a steady moan before pulling himself up, pulling Chan’s lips to his. Yeah, that’s how he’d come. Kissing this God. How could he not? Chan was really pretty. And he had magical lips and—he tried to kill himself earlier. Hyunjin couldn’t forget that. This was nice and all but…

Hyunjin couldn’t hold any longer. He had to come. He convulsed beneath Chan, neck outstretched as a lewd moan escaped his lips. Chan shuddered over him, pumping the both of them before finally collapsing onto his chest. Chan’s breaths were erratic as the elder removed his hand finally, resting it underneath of Hyunjin comfortably, head at his shoulder. 

They lay like that longer than Hyunjin liked, knowing the stickiness at his stomach was now all over the shirt he’d let Chan borrow. It wasn’t completely uncomfortable, and Hyunjin really loved Chan’s breaths at his neck—but he needed him to get up. They should probably talk more, right?

A click at Chan’s door was enough to have the elder upright, darting his eyes to the door behind. This was definitely going to be awkward. Hyunjin had seen Changbin a dozen times, but never with his dick out and stomach coated in semen. Hyunjin quickly slid himself back into his pants, dragging fingers through his hair as Chan stay still. Why wasn’t he trying to put himself away? 

“Sup, Changbin.” Chan hissed, digging his nails into Hyunjins sides suddenly, causing the younger to wince.

Changbin sighed, tossing a bag down by the door before walking closer to them. Shit. “Another one?” Another one? Chan didn’t even look at Hyunjin now. 

“We were just hanging out.”

“Sure that’s why I can see your ass again, right?” Changbin clicked his tongue, sipping from the straw to the frozen drink he had on his hand, “you need to really get a sign.”

Hyunjin swallowed hard, turning his face from the two to stare at the wall. He really didn’t want Changbin to say anything to him. Or to pry. He was already uncomfortable with how close Changbin was to them. 

“We weren’t going to fuck.” Chan rolled his eyes, finally tugging the sweatpants over his hips, fingers tapping Hyunjins chest, “we got high and wanted to get each other off.”

“Cool, tell me next time so I don’t walk in on anything. Oh, hi Hyunjin.”

Hyunjin just sigh, turning his face to Changbin who had a slight smirk at his own face. It was like the older boy found the situation hilarious. “Hi.” Hyunjins voice was tiny. He felt tiny. 

“Can you go?” Chan spat then, leaning over Hyunjin before coming back with tissue in hand, wiping at the male's stomach despite most of the sticky mess being on his shirt. 

Changbin just scoffed, turning and sipping his drink obnoxiously before heading straight out the door.

“I’m so sorry.” Chan started, tossing the tissue to the floor before being shoved off of Hyunjins lap. 

It wasn’t that he hadn’t enjoyed what they’d done. But the way Changbin had treated the situation like it happened often definitely bothered him. He wouldn’t judge Chan at all, but feeling like a number was a little aggravating. He wondered how many times Chan had lured people in with a suicide attempt and some pot. Was it often?

“Hyunjin?” Chan seemed hurt, scooting himself back at the bed with a pout that should have made Hyunjin weak, “I’m sorry he came in but he didn’t see anything.”

“Yeah, he kind of did.” Hyunjin scowled, fixing the hair at his head, “how many times do you pull this?”

“Pull what?”

“The suicide attempt thing,” Chan stiffened, “Do you always follow cute people and guilt them into doing shit with you?”

“That’s not what happened at all.” Chan whimpered, bringing a hand to settle beneath his chin, “I sleep around a lot but...I don’t go around pretending to hurt myself to make people sleep with me. What the fuck.”

Hyunjin sighed, pulling himself from the bed and buckling his jeans. He believed Chan in a way, but the situation had become uncomfortable. “I’m sorry. I should leave.”

“Please don’t.”

Chan’s voice sounded so broken. Fuck. Was Hyunjin really going to stay just because Chan sounded tiny in that moment? “Chan, you weren’t trying to kill yourself, were you?”

“I don’t know.”

Hyunjin hissed, giving Chan all of his attention, “look, you cut diagonally. You didn’t even cut that deep. And you were so comfortable and even brought me to smoke pot with you. What’s your angle?”

Chan looked away, blinking as if he were trying to come up with some sort of excuse. “I just...don’t go, okay? Just stay.”

“You’re not going to answer?”

“What am I supposed to say? Am I supposed to admit that I just did that to get your attention or something? Jesus I’ve been trying to get your attention all year and it took hurting myself to finally get that.” 

Hyunjin grimaced, dragging fingers through his locks, “so it was a joke? Jesus Christ Chan actual people go through this every day. Why would you harm yourself!?” Hyunjin had his doubts when he saved Chan earlier, but hearing them come true aloud was painful. Hyunjin wanted to die every day. How someone could sit there and use suicide to get attention...it ticked him off. 

“I’m sorry. I know you’ve been trying to harm yourself. I know that. I can see the cigarette burns on your arms and I saw the cuts on your hips. I’m sorry. I didn’t know how to grab your attention.”

“You fucking talk to me!?” Hyunjin turned, hands at his face as he mustered an irritable yell, “what is wrong with you. If you know I’m suicidal and shut why would you pull that on me!?” 

Chan shrunk against the wall with a heavy sigh, eyes narrowing to Hyunjin, “I’ve tried talking to you. A lot, actually. All you do is ignore me and hang out with that other Aussie kid. Believe me, I tried. I even…” Chan paused, eyes darting to the floor, “I even took that charm and tried to return it to you. But you still didn’t pay attention to me.”

Hyunjin wanted to punch him. He really did. “So you stole from me to get my attention? And you used my biggest weakness against me? Basically you’ve manipulated me into coming back here with you for some one-night stand bullshit?” 

“It’s not like that,” Chan frowned, “I actually really like you, Hyunjin. I just did this so you’d notice me…it worked, didn’t it?”

Hyunjin shook his head, giving Chan a look of disbelief before starting towards the door. But of fucking course Chan grabbed his hand, holding him so tightly in his grasp. Honestly, Hyunjin was tired. He didn’t want to associate with someone who would treat suicide like a joke. It wasn’t a joke to him. 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I don’t think your depression is funny or anything like that. I don’t like what I did but I was desperate. I just wanted you to notice me and—I went about all of this so wrong. I’m so sorry.” Hyunjin wasn’t sure if Chan was talking out of his ass or what. He clearly knew that what he’d done was wrong, but Hyunjin couldn’t shake the anger. Why would someone pretend to harm themselves for attention? It hurt. 

“Do you expect me to sit here and act like you didn’t do anything wrong?” Hyunjin turned, letting his hand slip from Chan’s, eyes glued to the elders concentrated expression. 

“Please stay longer. Don’t abandon me over this. Hyunjin, I really fucking like you.”

Hyunjin wasn’t sure what to do with this. What Chan did was...horrible. It wasn’t funny. Especially now that Chan knew that Hyunjin had been through this before. Maybe he didn’t understand the extent of his damage. 

“You know that keychain you returned?” Chan cocked his head, watching Hyunjin closely before nodding, “that person who did what you did, he gave it to me. It was a birthday present.” Chan stayed silent, seeming to process everything steadily, “he killed himself because I wasn’t there for him. Seeing you in the bathroom stall reminded me of him. I actually thought you were struggling. Do you have any idea how that all makes me feel?” Hyunjins chest was tightening. He shouldn’t have to explain himself to someone. Not at all. 

Chan’s mouth gaped slightly, brows furrowing, “I didn’t know. Hyunjin if I’d known I would never have done that. I didn’t realize that was why—“ he stopped, folding his hands together, “I’m so sorry.” Sorry, Hyunjin wasn’t sure Chan was grasping what he’d pulled. It was making Hyunjins entire body run hot. “I never meant to...Hyunjin I swear I didn’t mean to hurt you. I never wanted to even tell you.”

“His name was Seungmin.” Chan’s eyes widened before letting his gaze fall to his lap, “he was my age. We were best friends in high school.” He needed Chan to understand the gravity of what he pulled. “In our third year he was at my house after classes for lunch. He said he needed to go to my bathroom and was gone for too long. So I went to check on him.” Chan winced, peeking back up, “he was in my bathtub with a knife he’d taken from the kitchen. He was bleeding and had cuts all up his arms.” Chan scooted himself back more, expression completely faltering. “I helped him in time and he told me he would never do it again, that he didn’t actually want to die. I believed him and teased him about it the next day.”

“But he did die…” Chan seemed to remember that Hyunjin had told him this person had died earlier, he bit his lip in painful anticipation, “two days later my mom told me they found his body at home.” 

“Hyunjin I—“

“Stop.” Hyunjin shook his head, breaths too uneven as his heart raced. He wouldn’t cry. He’d done enough of that. “I’m not going to yell at you. I’m not going to call you vile or disgusting for what you pulled, but just know that you really hurt me.” 

Hyunjin didn’t think he’d last much longer. He really didn’t want to stand there and start crying again. He just wanted to leave. He wanted to go to his own room and cuddle up with his body pillow and sleep. That’s what he’d do. 

“Hyunjin.” Chan’s voice was echoing as Hyunjin reached the lock, he felt really dumb for waiting for more, “please don’t go. Please don’t go off and do anything stupid.” There was rustling behind him which caused Hyunjin to spin around, the shorter male approaching nervously. Why Hyunjin was still standing there he wasn’t sure. He should have been halfway down the hall. 

After a few seconds Chan reached Hyunjin, moving his hand from the lock and staring up at Hyunjin. Hyunjin could tell he was hurting. He hadn’t even realize Chan had started crying. Dammit. 

“If you go what if I hear that you died? I can’t let you leave like this. What can I do? I want to fix this if I can. Please let me fix it.” Chan’s voice was cracking and he really did sound sorry. But Chan was hard to read and he seemed good at manipulating people. Maybe this was a joke. 

“I want to go lay down. I’ll talk to you about it tomorrow.” Hyunjins hand was snatched from the lock now, fingers lacing with Chan’s, “Chan seriously—“

“Please don’t.” Chan whined, “what if tomorrow doesn’t happen? Hyunjin I can’t let you leave unless I know you won’t do anything. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I swear.”

Chan was,unnerving. Hyunjin wanted to go home. He wasn’t even thinking about killing himself right now. There was always a chance he’d fall into a bad headspace but he had no intention of dying right now. Besides he didn’t have enough pills and god he’d never do anything messy. 

“Don’t lie. You tried to do it yesterday. I watched you Hyunjin.” Chan sounded too desperate. He was a great actor. Or something. He was deceiving Hyunjin easily, he thought. “Please don’t leave. Don’t vanish.”

“You don’t know me.” Hyunjin spoke then, snatching his fingers from Chan who just inches back in reply. “I’ll be fine. I’ll come by tomorrow. I just can’t talk about this anymore right now. Tomorrow.”

Hyunjin managed to slink out of Chan’s dorm, rushing down the hall and up the stairs until he reached his own floor, shivering from whatever the fuck had just happened. Chan. He figured Chan was lying about being suicidal. There was just something off about the entire thing. The confirmation didn’t make him feel any better. 

“Jisung can I come in?” Hyunjins voice sounded so sickenly sad. He sounded like he’d been sobbing but he hadn’t even shed a tear. His chest was hot and he felt sick, but no tears. He hated how defeated he sounded. 

“Yeah!” After a moment of rustling he made his way inside, giving a heavy breath once he noticed Jisung shoving his sheets and laptop to the foot of his bed. He must’ve interrupted him again. “Hey Jinnie you skipped again?” Jisung snorted before actually looking at Hyunjin. He must have looked terrible. “Woah, you okay?”

Hyunjin took a moment before shaking his head, moving to settle into Jisungs bed. It was rare, but Jisung was comfortable enough to cuddle with him sometimes. Hopefully the younger would be in the mood. It’s what Hyunjin wanted. If Jisung declined he really wouldn’t know what to do. Felix hated cuddling. He wasn’t homophobic or anything but they were best friends. Felix told him he knew Hyunjin would jack off to him if they ever cuddled. He wasn’t wrong. 

“Ah, you big baby.” Jisung laughed, pulling Hyunjin to lay at his chest. “Did something happen with Mr. Chan?” Jisungs tone was playful, but Hyunjin found a lot of comfort in that. 

“He pretended to be suicidal for my attention, Ji.” Hyunjin spat, wrapping an arm tight around his roommates stomach. “I did something really stupid with him.”

“Fuck, really? You told him about your friend right?” Jisung sigh, rubbing Hyunjins back gently, “Why would someone do that?”

“I don’t know. I just need some safety for awhile.” Hyunjin hated how whiny he sounded as he nuzzled his face into Jisung. 

Jisung just hummed in reply, tapping his fingers along Hyunjins back. They sat like that for a long time, just joking back and forth about their day. It was nice. Talking with Jisung was always nice. Hyunjin would definitely jack off to him tonight. 

“Hyunjin, you should talk to Chan.”

Hyunjin groaned, resting into Jisungs pillow. As they’d lay there together they’d eventually fallen onto the bed completely. Which was way more comfortable. “I’d rather not. Maybe tomorrow.”

“What if he tries something?”

“Please don’t say that.” Hyunjin whined, curling himself into Jisungs chest, “I really don’t want to stress over him. I’m sure he’s fine. I’ll talk to him in the morning.” 

“Okay. Is there anything I can do?” Jisung sighed, brushing hair from Hyunjins face. Hyunjin couldn’t stand how affectionate Jisung could get. 

“Fuck me?” Hyunjin pouted before being nearly shoved off the bed. 

“Hyunjin!” Jisung was laughing. He never took offense to Hyunjins humor. “I’m serious, let me know if I can help. I know how you can get sometimes.” 

Hyunjin just shook his head, crawling back into Jisungs grasp, nuzzling into the boys shoulder this time, “you’re doing enough. Thank you.”

Jisung laughed again, patting Hyunjins back, “Ah, by the way I washed your pillowcase. When do you find time to get off?” Hyunjin growled into the boys neck, pulling himself up to lightly smack Jisungs shoulder. “Ow!” Jisung was just laughing again, rolling onto his back now. 

It was definitely embarrassing that Jisung had seen his body pillows case, but he wouldn’t dread on that, “at night.”

“Oh?” Jisungs laugh got nervous, eyes darting to Hyunjin curiously. “So when I’m asleep?”

“Jesus Christ Jisung we’re both horny adults.” Hyunjin sighed, cupping his face mouth to conceal the little giggles that wanted to slip out. 

“Ewww!” Jisung teased, pushing Hyunjin playfully. 

Hyunjin stared at the younger a little longer before falling back into the bed, forcing Jisung to scoot over some so he could also lay on his back. “Thanks for being here for me. You’re amazing company.”

Jisung closed his eyes, hands at his stomach as he hummed in reply, “of course I am. I’m Jisung. You’re good company too. So don’t do anything stupid and leave me behind, okay?”

Hyunjin tensed, he didn’t know Jisung had noticed his tendencies at all. He would’ve rather kept it hidden but he wouldn’t dwell. He’d let it go. Maybe Jisung didn’t actually know how Hyunjin felt. “What should I do about Chan?”

Jisung sighed, rolling over to face Hyunjin properly, “you need to talk to him.” Hyunjin groaned at the repetitive answer. He wanted to hear something that would actually help him. Talking to Chan wasn’t going to assist him. “I don’t know what happened in the few hours you’ve been gone but—just go talk to him? If you didn’t care you wouldn’t have crawled on top of me.”

“I basically met him today.”

“You said you still did something stupid with him. Did you two sleep together?” Jisung tensed, patting Hyunjins arm. 

Kind of. In a way, they had. He definitely did a lot with someone who was a stranger. But Changbin did make it seem like Chan did this often. Hyunjin probably wasn’t the first person the blonde had lured back to his room. “Sort of.”

Jisung smacked his hand a little hard this time, “Hyunjin, you don’t sleep with guys you just met!”

“We didn’t go all the way for fuck sake.” Hyunjin slacked Jisungs shoulder, definitely too light to do anything despite Jisung rolling over and pretending like it stung. “It was enough, though.”

Jisung sighed, pulling himself upright with a pout, “I’m not gonna ask. Don’t say anymore.” Hyunjin rolled his eyes at that, Jisung literally had asked about what Hyunjin had done. They were beyond the confidentiality. “Look, you need to talk to him. It’s just gonna mess with your head. I can see right through you, Hyunjin. What he did was fucked, but it’s for the best. Even if you decide you don’t want anything to do with this guy, at least you’ll have let everything out.”

Hyunjin sighed, resting back against Jisung. He really didn’t feel like going back to Chan at all. At least not right now. Chan was problematic. What he did wasn’t cool at all. 

Another fucking night of restlessness. Jisung hadn’t gotten off that night at all and was sleeping peacefully, maybe cause Hyunjin admitted masturbating with Jisung in the room at night. Maybe Hyunjin should come clean — but he really didn’t want to ruin their friendship. He was sure Jisung wouldn’t hate him and take it as a compliment — but knowing your roommate got off to you was unsettling. He’d keep it to himself. He wouldn’t do it anymore. He’d try. 

Hyunjin groaned, rolling onto his side to face the wall. His head was still spinning. All the shit in his mind refused to clear up. It was like the little hamster inside his head was drinking five hundred monster drinks or something. He wanted to calm and rest but nah, hamster didn’t want that. 

“For fuck sake…” hyunjin shot himself up, stuffing his feet into the little snail slippers by his bed and sliding glasses over his nose. He couldn’t sleep. Not like this. Hyunjins eyes darted quickly to his phone. It was nearly four in the morning. Chan would be sleeping. Changbin, too. Fuck. Hyunjin didn’t care though. He couldn’t sleep and it was Bang Chan’s fault. Fuck that guy. 

As Hyunjin slid his room key into his pocket he heard a soft whimper behind, shit. 

“Are you going out?” Jisung asked, eyes still closed and face puffy. He was so cute waking up. 

“Yeah for a bit. Go back to bed. You have a class in two hours.” Hyunjin hissed, pressing Jisung back down on the bed, hands against the boys chest, “I’ll be back. I’m going to talk to Chan.”

Jisung laughed weakly, rolling over on his side, cheek pressed against the pillow, “Kay. Goodnight.” 

Hyunjin rolled his eyes, patting Jisungs hair before turning back, phone in hand as he quickly exited the dorm. He wasn’t sure why he was doing this. But something told him to see Chan. Ugh. He didn’t want to see him. Or talk to him. He didn’t want to do anything that involved Chan. But he couldn’t sleep. This was so stupid. 

The walk to the elevator and then down the hall was unnerving. Every second Hyunjin wanted to turn back. This was so unbelievably stupid of him. He shouldn’t be doing this, should he? Chan didn’t deserve this much power over him. Maybe Hyunjin really was in the worst headspace. This was a bad idea. 

“Hyunjin what the fuck are you doing here?” 

He was in such a bad place that he hadn’t realized he’d been banging on Chan’s door for the passed three minutes. 

“Hyunjin…?” Changbin must have hated Hyunjin. He didn’t know him well at all, but he definitely wouldn’t like Hyunjin now. Four in the morning was ungodly. “I’m going to shut the door if you don’t answer me.”

Hyunjin blinked, shaking his head before peering over Changbins shoulder, “can I get Chan? I need to talk to him.”

Changbin hissed, “stay here.” He closed the door. Hard. Like he was telling Hyunjin to fuck off. But he told him to stay? 

Hyunjin put his hands into the pockets of his sweatpants, flipping the ring at his lip as he waited. Changbin was waking Chan, that was for sure. He could hear the annoyed groan of the elder through the thin door. Fuck, the dorms were super thin. Chances were the whole dorm had heard them earlier. 

The door opened again, revealing an annoyed Chan whose hair was sticking up all over. He looked so irritated, but as soon as he focused his eyes on Hyunjin he seemed to change. Hyunjin wasn’t sure how he felt about that. 

“Hey.” Chan’s voice was a lot softer than he expected. Especially since Chan sounded really pissed while being woken. Maybe it was an act. 

Hyunjin looked away, tapping his foot as the door slammed behind Chan who was now in the hall before Hyunjin. “We should talk about earlier.”

“Right now?”

“Yes. Right now. I can’t sleep because of you.” Hyunjins eyes met Chan’s again. There was a sadness laced in the elders eyes that bothered Hyunjin. It was fake, right? Nothing Chan said was real. 

“Okay.” 

It was awkward. Hyunjin had led them to the showers, which were thankfully empty. He wasn’t really sure where else to bring Chan. Jisung was asleep. Changbin obviously didn’t want them there. Outside was out of the question. Showers it was. Hyunjin settled over one of the counters, letting his feet hang slightly as he scooted back until resting against the stretched mirror. Chan opted to stand, arms crossed as he kept his eyes towards the door. 

“So can we talk?” Chan’s voice was so strained, like he may have actually cared. 

Hyunjin swallowed hard, “you hurt me.” His words seemed to sting. It’s what Chan deserves though. What he’d done wasn’t something light or cute. It was cruel. Awful. He hated what Chan had done. But at the same time, he couldn’t hate him. “I may have overreacted a little.” Hyunjin whispered, Chan peeking up a bit to watch him, “I’m sorry for yelling at you.”

“Don’t apologize. I deserved it.” He didn’t want Chan to accept guilt. He didn’t want to feel sorry for him. 

Hyunjin let his eyes fall shut, head smacking the mirror slightly, “Chan, let me apologize. I shouldn’t have yelled at you. What you did was...not good, but you didn’t mean any harm, right?” He knew Chan didn’t mean harm. It was a stupid thing he’d done. 

He was so difficult to read. Chan made things so hard to read. Why was Chan like this? His eyes squinted and lips pursed as if he wanted to say something important — but no. He didn’t say anything. 

“Right?” Hyunjin asked again, hands sliding into the thin pockets of his sweats. 

“I would never want to hurt you.” Chan finally spoke, clearing his throat as he leaned against the sink, “like I said...I just wanted attention. Your attention. I should have just asked you out that day in the quad.”

Hyunjin sigh, lifting his head and turning to Chan. He seemed genuine with his words despite his actions. Maybe Hyunjin was just stupid. He wasn’t honestly even that mad. He should have been, right? 

“Can we pretend it never happened?”

Chan was asking too much. Maybe. Right? Fuck. 

“I just want to start over. I want to smoke with you and talk to you and fuck you. I want to do everything with you.”

If Hyunjin were anyone else he’d cringe at Chan’s words. But it did something to him. Fucking Chan. He was so hot and his voice was so nice to listen to. Like fucking music. Hyunjin ate it up. Hyunjin liked it. Even if Chan was awful. He loved it. 

“Hi. I’m Hyunjin.” He blurted, grabbing Chan’s hand to shake firmly. Chan’s palm was sweaty but Hyunjin didn’t mind. He was probably anxious. 

Chan turned to face him better, thin smile creasing over his lips. “Chan.”

Maybe he shouldn’t have forgiven Chan. But Chan was too nice to push away. Chan felt nice. Safe. Despite the bullshit he’d put him through that day, Hyunjin wanted to forgive him. It was so sudden and stupid. But Chan was so nice. 

Stupid. This was stupid. Hyunjin shouldn’t be sitting on Chan’s lap on the sink. He shouldn’t have his arms around the man’s neck. He shouldn’t have been kissing him, lips sore. He really shouldn’t be doing any of this. He was so stupidly impulsive. Jesus. If Felix knew he was doing this shit he’d never hear the end of it. If Jisung heard — fuck. This was stupid. 

But it was good. Chan was good. This was good.

**Author's Note:**

> Twt: minhodipitous  
> Cc: str4y


End file.
